Mom and I went to the transition home this morning at about 9:30 with two other families here picking up their children to go home forever. It was great to see one of Zane's friends reunited with his parents after a long wait between their first court appointment in January and their embassy trip this week.
Zane eyed me through the window when I arrived this morning and reached for me. The nanny quickly changed him and brought him outside. He was calm and cuddly and stared at his friend as he sat with his new parents. Then, I brought out the new toys. Mom brought cars, trucks, books, and balls for Zane to play with here, and I've been trying to bring one or two to him at a time. I let him get tired of them, then bring new ones when he's ready for something different. Today it was the Monster Truck and Hot Wheels car. I thought he would be interested in looking at them and holding them for a while, then take off to go walking as usual. But he immediately sat on the porch and started rolling them. We played for a while rolling the cars back-and-forth, as Mom directed them to go the right direction (thanks Mom!). Each time Zane rolled it or caught it, I yelled, "YEA!" and his face lit up with a beautiful smile. This went on for a while, then Zane decided to stand up, walk around the back of a chair, using it for support, smile at his friends, and walk proudly by himself back over to me. I grabbed him and squeezed him so tight, and he grinned one of those open-mouthed, toothy grins that grabs my heart. Zane did the same thing about three more times throughout the morning, and each time I squeezed him and showed him how proud I was of him. It made him so happy to make his mama proud!
One of the books Mom brought for Zane is a cars book that makes noises when you press the buttons. Zane learned yesterday that if he presses a certain button, the music that plays has a catchy rhythm that makes him want to move. He pressed it about 15 times in a row today and moved his upper body back and forth to dance to the rhythm. Each time he did it, I mimicked him and stopped when the music stopped. He would start it up again, and I danced automatically. He thought it was so funny that the toothy grin came back out and I couldn't help but kiss him 1,000 times on his sweet cheeks! Mom caught some of it on video, so I'm super glad to have "Zane and my first dance" recorded!
Zane continues to be more and more comfortable with "Mimi", my mom. He went to her three or four times today and gave her hugs. She melted with delight. He's such a sweet boy.
Just before lunch, Zane and I were alone together on the porch. He threw his car down, and I set him on his feet to get it. When I put him down, he immediately got into his fastest moving stance (the crawl) and took off for the stairs. I grabbed him and swung him upward just as he grabbed the car in his hand. He thought it was hilarious! He laughed so hard! So since he thought it was a big joke that he nearly tumbled down the stairs, I tilted him backward and tickled his throat. He chuckled as he threw his head backward and starred into the sky. I swung him toward me, lifted his head to my shoulder and kissed him with 100 kisses on his face, then swung him backward again. This time, I heard the first belly laugh from Zane as I tickled his throat again. We did this three or four more times before I spun around several times with him next to my chest. His face was priceless.
This experience marks one of the first times that I felt Zane really trust me without fear. From the moment I grabbed him from his crawl to swinging him around and around, until I felt dizzy, he rested freely in my arms knowing that I would not let him fall. For both of us, it was unrestricted, thrilling fun! Of course, I wasn't the one being swung around in the air, but I delighted so much in seeing him completely enthralled with the moment, that it felt like I was experiencing the entire event with him.
Sometimes I wonder if my cautious nature, skepticism, or overanalyzation of events causes me to miss out on the delight God has for me in this life. I imagine there have been many times that God wanted me to release my head, lay back in his arms, and look up at the sky in complete abandonment as Zane did. I'm sure He has longed for me to trust him to pick me up and rescue me from tumbling. He knows the thrilling moment with Him that I refuse at times, and I know His heart breaks at my fussing and whining. If I could only see His arms surrounding me, I wonder if I'd be so careful. What am I really risking to fall completely into His plan for my life? Better yet, what am I risking to NOT let go and surrender my life into His hands?
For Zane and I, we would have lost a special memory; a moment in time that will never be repeated, and one that I will never forget. For God, there may be much more at stake. Our entire life's joy and satisfaction relies on Him. We will only know the thrilling ride of life with Jesus if we surrender our reservations and hindrances and dive in fully to the Christian life.
Psalm 90:14 says, "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
Our souls are created to glorify the Lord, to find satisfaction in Him, to experience His presence. Fear keeps us from what we were created to do. I pray that my life and my precious Zane's life will be filled with God's satisfaction and joy so that we can be glad and rejoice in Him all of our days.