Day 30 - Feeling Refreshed!

I want to first thank you for the encouraging emails, FB messages, and blog comments I have received in the past 20 hours.  You're prayers are so important to me.  The Lord is answering them everyday, and I want you all to know that He is being so faithful and so evident to me as you are praying for me.

After my last blog post, Mom and I fell on some pretty hard hours.  As you know, things were already hard, so you can imagine our response.  The mouse situation got worse, and we got more and more tired.  Bad combo.  This mouse, which we actually think was maybe 3 mice unless the mouse is Houdini himself, got braver by the minute.  I was already stressed knowing that we had a mouse somewhere in the house, but as the hours ticked on, we saw the mouse (mice) every 10 minutes or so scurry across the floor to another hiding spot.  Obviously, Mom and I aren't going to bed with the mouse (mice) running around between every room.  We finally had the idea to block the mouse in the kitchen with luggage and set a trap in the kitchen the next day.  That way, we could at least know that the bedrooms were safe.  As I'm finishing a conversation with Mark about cornering the mouse in the kitchen, Mom runs into the living area with Zane in her arms sound asleep.  She calmly, in her very controlled, motherly way says, "It was in the bed with Zane."  What??????  Okay.  Clearly, sleeping was out of the question.  It was too late at that point to hire a driver to come get us, and the neighbors had already been over to try to catch it.  There was little we could do at 11:15 at night, so we came up with a plan.  We would make a pallet for Zane on the kitchen table (no place for mice to burrow) and sit on either side of him watching the area on shifts.  Mom would sleep a little with her head down on the table while I watched for mice and made sure Zane was not rolling off the table, and I would sleep while Mom did the same.  It was our only choice.  About 3 am, 10 1/2 hours into our battle against the mice, one mouse went crazy.  I hopped up on the chair with Zane in my arms, and mom chased the mouse around the living room, as it scurried all over looking for an escape.  Finally, he neared the door and mom swept him into the hallway out the door into the yard.  There was a sense of relief in our faces, but we were restless about the possibility of others.  We continued with our plan.

I think it was about 4 am when the Lord brought to mind a verse I have studied in the past.  Psalm 130:6 "My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."  I totally get it now.  If I had been a watchmen in a tower on a city wall last night waiting for any enemies who might approach, I would have FAILED.  It was torturous having all of that anxiety in me, the desire to keep watch over Zane all night, and the physical strength of a peanut to do so.  When the Psalmist says that his soul waits on the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, this is huge.  When you have stayed up all night waiting for morning, you are waiting with eagerness and expectation that the morning will come.  Your not falling asleep on the job because you may lose it!  Your focused, controlled, and confident that the morning is on its way, and a time of rest will follow.  Waiting on the Lord that way is to know that the Lord will come, and He will deliver.  He will do what he has promised.  The Psalmist waits with controlled confidence on the God who will come through.

Morning did come, as it always does, and Mom was very sick.  Exhaustion combined with foreign foods had gotten the best of her, and she spent the morning (5 am - 10 am) vomiting and sleeping.  I called a driver (a little desparately at this point) to come pick us up.  We loaded our belongings and headed back for the Yebsabi.  The entire way home, I cried.  I can't exactly say why.  Relief?  Embarrassment?  Exhaustion?  Maybe all three.  When we arrived back here, the staff took me and hugged me with Zane in my arms.  It caused me to burst with emotion.  So much tenderness and love caused the flood gates to pour.  The lady at the front desk called for a nanny to come help me (for free), the manager said, "Don't worry, go sleep."  It's like they knew.  They definitely have a gift of ministry to families.  The nanny took Zane to the playroom on the top floor, played with him and cradled him to sleep for his nap.  Mom and I slept after almost 48 hours of very little sleep.  I knew that I could not see my mom leave to go to the US tonight on 3 hours of sleep and be a good mother to Zane.  Zane was pleasant and content with the nanny, but Zane was very quiet most of the day, which I interpret as fear.  Zane was (and still is) confused and a little traumatized over mama melting down in day 2 of us being together full time, and his environment has changed too much in the past 6 months.  He's scared sometimes.  As I write this, I'm praying over him as he sleeps in his crib.  He yells out "NAY! NAY!" (His way of saying NO! NO!) and whimpers through the night.  I think he has bad dreams, and I know Satan has a lot of material to work with from his past.  Instead of crying, I begin to pray whispering, "Lord, comfort him now in his dreams.  Speak words of peace over him.  Surround him with your angels who sing songs of love to him.  Jesus be a visible friend to him as he sleeps, and as always, be his Father, the Father who has ALWAYS been there for him."  I know the Lord will do this.  He has already said he does this in his word.  But the word says that speaking the name of Jesus causes demons to shutter.  I want Zane to know he can always call upon the name of the Lord and He will be saved from any fear.

Mom left tonight feeling a little better, but very exhausted from sickness.  We were both a little sad at the same time to say goodbye.  Mom has grown so attached to Zane and he to her.  She bravely boarded the van without crying, and said goodbye with strength, as she always does even though she's sobbing inside.  Zane watched the van roll away and he put his thumb in his mouth to comfort himself.  This is yet one more adjustment Zane is having to make, and an opportunity to learn that family always comes back.  He will gradually realize that goodbyes are not forever.

The past two days clearly have not been easy.  But as I reflected this evening on the Lord's work, I realized God had actually given me a great gift.  Time and distance has made it difficult to spend quality time with beloved family members the past 8 years.  My mom and I, who have always been very similar and very close do not get the opportunities to go shopping, have lunch, go to a movie, or just hang out like we used to.  Visits are packed with people to see, events to attend, and errands to run.  The experience we had together, although tough, reminded me what I love about my mom.  She is strong, supportive, and confident, yet she can cry with me, feel my pain, and comfort me like no one else.  She is smart, respectful of boundaries, and the most giving person I know.  She wants me to get sleep, even though she spent the morning vomiting.  She wants me to be reminded that I'm a good mother, even though I know she needed the affirmation as well.  She's helpful, considerate, and always putting others first.  Zane has the best Mimi in the world, and I have the best Mom.  The Lord knew we needed this time together, the three of us, and I am so grateful.

Praise the Lord, we are back on track this evening with a good dinner, rest, and baths.  I made the right decision to return to the Yebsabi and settle here with Zane.  I know the staff here will love him, they will provide help to me, and I can focus on being a new mother to a very sweet boy who needs a mommy very badly.